dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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