I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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