He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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