i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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