Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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