Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
