i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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