btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
