Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
