Fine. I'll sleep in my office
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
