just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
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fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
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I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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