Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Congratulations! We have a period
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