His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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