He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
