you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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