Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
