When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
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Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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