The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
