That's intense
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
