I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Randomize
