call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
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She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
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Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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