So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
