did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You ate ashes out of my bong
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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