Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
