Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
