Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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