literally had 100 drinks last night.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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