Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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