Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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