i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
