Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
She just used a chaser for red wine.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
