new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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