if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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