she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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