I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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