I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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