Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
