It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
