Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
