Plan B is the new Plan A
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
