also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Randomize
