Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Randomize
