I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
