i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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