Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
