hell yes lets make some ravioli
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
