i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
