i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Terrible idea I love it
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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