tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
