the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
