did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
