There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
