kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
