DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
