I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
